Silence of The Leaves

Well, this page is simply a page for my poem “Silence of the Leaves” and recent short story “Amid the Silent Leaves”. It’s a sad place, emotionally charged, where tears can be shed. I may add others as I go along and the emotions sustained, but for now at least these are very recent and very painful.

silence of the leaves

SILENCE OF THE LEAVES

Beneath these trees I stand so cold,

haunted and alone,

eyes downcast upon a path

layered with dried leaves, drab yellows

and painful reds, sodden with

silent, hollow tears of aching despair…..

beneath these trees I walk in sorrow,

tortured and broken,

ashes of bitterness spread about,

ahead of me nothing but the darkest shadows

where I still can hear your voice and

glimpse your face upon these brittle leaves…..

beneath these trees I blindly look up,

fractured and despondent,

staring at your smile painted upon a silvered,

desolate moon through these forlorn eyes,

no sound but abject silence as I reach

for you through a shower of withered leaves…..

beneath these trees I close my vacant eyes,

kneeling and praying,

amid swirling leaves softly caressing me

like your silky fingertips did once upon a time,

but no more and so I bid thee farewell,

falling forever upon this bed of whispering leaves…..

beneath these trees I quietly lie,

solitary and alone,

stark and brittle leaves of forgiveness

blowing to cover up such a deep sense of loss,

for eternal love has died as now have I,

free at last to fade away upon the silence of the leaves….

(c) Kerry L. Marzock

November 4, 2006

AMID THE SILENT LEAVES

The morning once again dawned sadly dreary, another typical fall day in my City of Philadelphia. The street was awash in newly strewn leaves of dried yellows, painful reds, and jaded greens. Pulling the collar of my jacket up around my neck I stepped off the porch into a swirling sea of color, shuffling my feet as I ambled along just as I would barefoot within the lapping shallows of the ocean’s frothy edge.

My stark mood was that of loss. Ironic how it matched the weather, but then fall is for lovers holding hands, or those dejected grasping onto thoughts of sadness. Looking up I heard my dog barking and then saw her romping in a pile of leaves while a small, whirling dervish kicked them up into a tiny frenzy. Smiling, I realized how much I loved her, the daily devotion she showed me without condition or expecting absolutely nothing in return. Of course, she was spoiled rotten because I returned her unconditional love three fold. I would miss her greatly.

Breathing deeply, I wanted to remember the brisk freshness of the season I enjoyed the most. Winter was so bone chilling cold even though I loved gazing romantically upon a snowfall in the beginning throes of its’ virgin dance, whispering down to cleanse us of our lies and deceit. Summer was just too hot and stifling, so nasty when the perspiration trickled wildly down the small of your back. Spring was a nice, gentle interlude, but it rarely lasted long enough before the furnace winds of July began to blow. No, fall was clearly my special time of the year so it seemed more than appropriate for what was on my mind, the finality of it all.

“Come on sweetie pie, time to go in the house. You’ve scared all the monsters and nighttime critters away again,” I called to her, wondering if she would come right away since she most definitely had a stubborn streak that I would miss. “Come on baby, time for a treat.” That always got her as she came bounding towards me.

With her large, fluffy tail fanning the brisk air she pranced across the yard to where I stood silently, words from the E-mail still ringing in my ears, etched forever upon my eyes. Another stiff breeze blew my long auburn hair across my face like tiny whips. It felt kind of good though, a form of self flagellation, so I didn’t bother pulling it back behind my ears which I normally would’ve done. The frantic dog reared upon her hind legs and grinned broadly, black and red spotted tongue from her chow-shepherd mixed breeding hanging out the front of her mouth. She was without a doubt the most beautiful and happy dog I had ever known. Several tears broke free, running haphazardly down a cold cheek, just another broken piece of my dreams and desires cascading away.

I always wondered about a broken heart, if it really was possible and how much pain there would be if it truly happened. At times during my life I certainly thought my heart had been broken. Now I knew that those episodes were mere dents or scratches, mending with time. The breakable heart was definitely the one exposed to a bone crushing agony, loss of desire and dreams, the emptiness that was all consuming, a strangling realization that life now had absolutely no meaning, or purpose.

Inside the house I admonished her for being too loud as I gave her several treats she could happily much away on. Staring down at the chair where my husband slept created a hollow emptiness, a guilt that I would carry with me, but no more than I had been living with for sometime now. I remembered back to the day we had met thirty years ago when he jumped down from a tow truck clad in dirty coveralls, a train conductor’s cap perched atop his handsome face. My car had broken down and there was my knight standing before me, grinning broadly, the furthest thing from riding a magnificent steed, or clad in shining armor. His love was true and forever, while mine had become tarnished, lost in the shadows of a life devoid of happiness.

Wiping away tears I leaned down, kissed him gently on the cheek and whispered, “Good-bye, I do love you.”

Moving to the computer I looked at the screen and silently read those painful words from the E-mail one last time. Seeing the finality of the expected, knowing that the deep love I had found two years ago and the dream of happy days now lay dashed at my feet, was just more than I could live through another day with.

It was a relationship that seemed doomed from the beginning and yet it was two hungry hearts so destined to meet. I tried to smile through the tears realizing that nobody in my entire life had ever made such an impact and it was easy to see that no one ever would again. From the instant our eyes met I was captivated. My heart was captured as a sacrifice to what love could truly be no matter how many obstacles had been placed in our path, or those who worked so diligently to destroy it.

Yet enough damage had been wrought. Too much pain, frayed nerves, and shattered feelings, not just our own, but for those around us as well. A tragic story of love experienced, fractured dreams forever lost, and the fantasy of two people meant to be as one, but to forever have this love forbidden. I was never strong enough to walk away, tied to a special person that comes along but once in a lifetime.

Staring at the words which ended my dream, I realized with a heavy heart now shattered within my chest, the final decision for me was an easy one. Walking towards the front door I knelt and held my loving dog that in the end would miss me the most for her love was truly the strongest and most honest of all. Reaching for the door knob I glanced back at my husband who was still asleep and whispered farewell.

On this quiet fall morning the sun tried to break through a thick cloud cover, but it could never slice through the heaviness within my heart. Many decisions are difficult ones, some cowardly and others brave, with a few that can change the lives of others. As I walked across the lonely street and let my leaden feet swish through a colorful, vibrant carpet of leaves, I knew my decision was final for a heart this broken could never again be mended.

Stopping at the top of a small hill I turned and glanced back, the house still in view. There were no tears left to fall now. They had all been shed with the pain inside me going from deep and intense, to dull and lifeless. In one pocket was a small brown bottle that contained my one way ticket to another existence. I agonized over the sin I was about to commit, but for me the utmost sin would be going on and living a lie. Maybe others could, but once the fantasy had been caressed and then pulled away, the desire to continue in a world of lonely thoughts was too much to suffer through. I had felt the depest love possible and nothing else could ever compare.

Glancing up at a solitary beam of sunlight breaking through a canopy of leafless tree limbs, I knelt and smiled. My thoughts were upon the one person who I would remember as I expelled my final breath. I had said so many times over the last two years that never would another individual control my heart and feelings so much. Falling softly to the ground, an empty bottle rolling from my open hand, I whispered “I love you” as words from a very special poem were the last onces I would ever hear.

“beneath these trees I quietly lie,
solitary and alone,
stark and brittle leaves of forgiveness
blowing to cover up such a deep sense of loss,
for eternal love has died as now have I,
free at last to fade away amid the silence of the leaves ….”

Quietly the leaves swirled in a tragic dance, covering my lifeless body and hopefully transporting my soul to a special place where pain could no longer touch me.

In a house across the street a dog whimpered as a solid tear appeared in the corner of her eye. In another room a computerized voice broke the stillness, “You have mail.”

Several days later one special message would be read, “Hi honey, I’m so very sorry for hurting you. Would you please forgive me? I do love you so very, very much.”

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Thankfully as writers, we have the outlet of allowing our emotions to be released, though it may only be a short respite. In our lives I think, if we are truly lucky, one special person breaks through to bring a love that will never be caressed again. The dream of possessing that love and bathing in the happiness it would bring can be overpowering. Sadly, when it departs, the loss is so great that life becomes meaningless. The above story is one of such loss.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A TASTE SO BITTERSWEET

It rolls across my tongue,
such a vile, acrid taste
of bittersweet acrimony.
Those final words so sharp,
slicing across this wasteland that
is now my withered heart, seared
like hot, blowing sands
from stifling desert winds.
This bittersweet taste seeps
into tortured thoughts, all desire
crushed to dust, dreams now splayed
apart as stretching sinew screams.
This wretched taste of loss
so consuming that it rips away
the fabric of who I am, prayers I
once so desperately held onto now lost,
the hope of smiles and happiness
a’ float on waves of deepest despair.
Your words have sent this ship a’ sail
to who knows where?
Down ~ down ~ reeling
into a dark, lonely chasm
to which all lost souls fall,
burnt ashes of tortured hearts lying tearfully,
forever piled upon one another, a horrifying
funeral pyre where dreams have died away.
I can hear the children of the night singing
their song of farewell, your words echoing
within my ears to forever last a lifetime.
This acerbic taste of bittersweet farewell
to lie painfully upon my bed of silence,
blackened ashes of a lost heart
blowing through darkened clouds,
along lonely streets, beneath
moonless nights and starless skies,
to now float forever upon a sea
of bittersweet existence.

(c) Kerry L. Marzock
November 4, 2006

THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE

A place I float to where nothing hurts.
Wind so soft, a gentle carress upon my cheek,
sheer touch of satiny tears I desperately hold onto.
It feels like the smoothest silk of pure damask,
tips of fingers that know my every thought.
Those innermost desires that are our secret,
kisses of the sweetest wine, and wishes
that whisper off our lips to grace our ears.

That special place when my eyes are open wide
to see the glowing look that says I love thee.
When nighttime breezes blow and eyes are closed,
the pages from our book of love sensually flutter
open to reveal the edges of an ominous labyrinth
where we weave and flow to music of love forbade,
that which sadly says we may not taste.

Sweet drops of wine still lie upon my lips to never dry,
nor shall they ever, for your heart is that of mine.
These thoughts I clutch with trembling hands
connected like an intricate pattern of a spider’s web.
Be it darkness, or when thy heart basks under sunlight,
miles apart but a mere thread of silk to yet be broken.
There is that special place, sweet Eden that is our Paradise,
sweet smiles a’ glow, this place forever called our own.

(c) Kerry L. Marzock
October 13, 2006

BEYOND TOMORROW

Darkness descends
upon these bleakest days,
an endless parade of memories
that robs me of what light
yet still remains,
your smile of radiance,
those eyes that glittered gaily
in the sun whenever you
gazed at only me.

Your untimely death a tragedy
I will never understand, walking
along the water’s edge, my hand so
empty, yet still the feel of your fingers
caress my palm, the lapping waves
whispering your name, salty
tears descending down to
lips – the kiss that o’er
remains.

I linger beside your graveside,
longer days and lonely nights that
forever have no meaning, no purpose,
other than to tell you over and over
how much I yearn to be together once
again. There are always those who
state that life goes on, that all
will be as once it was, but
loving you is all I am.

Now there is no day,
or night, just a deep longing
that seems to never end ~ and so ~
I close my eyes to see your smiling
face, arms and hands outstretched to
touch the reaching fingertips of mine,
heartbeat fading to a deathly silence.
Though soft breath of here and now

may be gone, the grace of love

is ours forever.

© Kerry L. Marzock

September 2, 2006

silence of the leaves kerry l marzock